Could it be a sign..

Terasa dalam dilema.. Terasa sesak utk bernafas.. Terasa tersekat utk bercakap.. Everytime I look at Rayyan’s face, I feel so guilty for not being with him all the time.. I know that this point of time is the most crucial time for his development, so, I need to spend as much time as possible to stimulate him..

Kata seorang teman, “Ala.. kerjaya pun penting, kita keje pun utk anak jgk.. Bukan org lain pn..” Yes, definitely.. Tapi, apa guna duit kalau hati tak tenteram and terus dihantui rasa bersalah.. Maybe I should take unpaid leave for a month or two (or maybe three.. hehehhe). But, looking at my dept workload at the moment, rasa tak sampai hati jugak.. I wonder whether I can find any other word than ‘Thank you’ to show how grateful I am that I have my boss as a boss and my colleagues as my colleagues.. Most importantly, my company who’s paying for the medical bill..

I don’t believe in horoscope because I know that Allah SWT is always with hamba-hambaNya yang sabar.. But just now, I read this somewhere..

“Libra; If you really want to connect with someone, then skip the small talk and go deep.”

Walaupun x applicable sgt, tp applying this to my situation, Rayyan la orgnya.. Hehehhe.. Could it be a sign? Tak pernah2 plak baca, tp hari ni tertengok di saat2 jiwa kacau ni.. Hmm.. Macam mn ek??

Sudah tiga bulan..

Sudah tiga bulan usia Rayyan Ariff..
Sudah tiga bulan saya bergelar mama..
Sudah tiga bulan saya berpantang makan..
Sudah tiga bulan tidur saya tidak selena dulu..


Tapi serasa,
Baru semalam kami shopping barang2 wedding..
Baru semalam kami bersanding di pelaminan..
Baru semalam kami dikhabarkan doktor; bakal menerima orang baru..
Juga serasa,
Baru semalam kami shopping barang2 baby..
Baru semalam kami menerima perkhabaran duka..
Baru semalam kami menitiskan air mata syahdu menyambut kehadiran Rayyan..
Baru semalam saya menyaksikan hubby mengazankan Rayyan..
Baru semalam saya meratap sedih..

Dan hari ini,
Rayyan semakin aktif..
Rayyan semakin sihat..
Rayyan semakin tembam..
Rayyan semakin disayangi..

Walau masa depan masih kabur, walau perjalanan masih jauh, terima kasih Tuhan..

P/s - Rayyan sudah 4.4kg.. Dgn corrected age of 1 month, Rayyan Ariff agak besar bagi premature baby..

Sudah lama..

Walaupun masih berkasih sayang, walaupun masih pujuk memujuk, tapi serasakan sudah lama kami tidak 'bercinta'.. Hanya kami.. Dengan itu, kata hubby, ada 3 destinasi.. Dan saya harus memilih.. yang lain ditanggung beres..

Duta Puri Island Resort, Pulau Kapas

Duta Hacienda Riveria Resort, PD

atau..

Hyatt Regency Kuantan Resort..

Dan saya tekad memilih..

BALI!

P/s - Tapi tarikhnya serasa masih jauh.. Kata mummy, tunggu la Rayyan besar2 sket.. Kalo dlm M'sia bleh la.. Oh, saya tidak dapat membuat pilihan..

Going back to work..

I'm going back to work this monday. Rasa malas sangat2.. After 2 months n a half of break, mmg xde hati nk ngadap keje.. Yang paling penting, rasa sayang nk tggl Rayyan.. When we took him home, berat dia 2.4kg jer.. Dan dengan bangganya, saya yang x pernah ade pengalaman ini telah berjaya menjaga Rayyan, sepenuhnya..(of course dgn bantuan hubby bila dia bercuti dan hari minggu.. hehheeh.. my mom dh blk masa Rayyan blk from hospital..). Sekarang, Rayyan sudah 4kg.. Dan mummy akan mengambilalih tugas menjaga Rayyan untuk sebulan.. (terima kasih mummy, kerana sudi dtg from KB demi Rayyan.. dulu dtg coz jaga mama Rayyan masa berpantang.. Memang tak terbalas).

Pipi saya sudah tembam.. Hehehe..

Age : 2 months & 3 weeks

Corrected age : 23 days old

Actually, saya sebenarnya dalam dilema.. When you guys went back to work, tinggalkan baby dgn sape ek? I dont know bout u guys, but I feel like semua orang (except my mom) cam x layak jaga Rayyan.. Takut ade kurang.. Maybe if he's not a premature baby I wont feel this way.. Most of the time, it took him about one hour to finish 4oz of milk. Kalau lambat sangat, takut org x sabar n terus stop.. Mama dia, sampai cramp leher pn sanggup coz nk bagi Rayyan besar.. Rayyan pun jarang menangis walau pun lapar.. Hanya merengek.. (Mn la tau, nnt babysitter dia wat x kesah sgt since dia x nangis..)

Ambik maid? Well, I dont think that it is a good idea to leave him with the maid alone. Bleh caya ke? Baik bagi babysitter yang kita dah pilih.. Tapi bleh ke?? My mom ade mention nk bwk blk KB and jaga dia kat sana.. Memang la kitorg leh blk 2 mgg skali.. Tp honestly, x sanggup nk berpisah dgn Rayyan.. Even if it is for his own good.. (Pegi JJ kejap pn dh rasa guilty giler).. My MIL pun sanggup nk jaga Rayyan n bagi kitorang bwk blk seminggu sekali.. Walaupun Rawang x sejauh KB, still xnk berpisah dgn Rayyan! Nk ulang-alik KL to Rawang, mesti penat kan? Ntah la.. Kalau dh xde jalan, I'll take unpaid leave la.. (I knw my boss wll understand..).

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Ade sape2 bleh bg idea tak? It's not that I'm too mengada-ngada sampai isu ni pun jd besar.. I just dont want to leave Rayyan in a wrong hand. Huh, susah betul.. My PIL even said that he wll never forgive us if we leave Rayyan kat nursery or rumah org.. Biar la dulu.. I'll think about it when the time comes. Skrg, biar mummy jaga dulu..

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Went to JJ Balakong with my bro ptg td, World of Cartoons ade sale.. 50% lak tu.. So korang, serbu jgn x serbu.. Mmg rambang mata.. Tunggu hubby blk ni.. Definitely have to go again, shopping baju raya for Rayyan.. Dalam2 kalut nk blk awal, sempat grab a few things for him.. Yang paling puas hati..

Tenderly Infant shoes

Looney Tunes white jeans..

Handsome laa Rayyan raya nanti! Hehehhe.. 1st time blk KB, image kena jaga Ian! (Sebenarnya mama yang terlebih nk blk KB, eventhough ths year turn Rawang.. Xpe, hutang dulu.. Lain tahun bayar yea hubby tersayang.. hehehhe..)

Sweet Rayyan in Sweet Cherry car seat cum carrier.. The problem is, Rayyan xnk duduk dlm benda alah ni.. This photo was taken when I trained him to sit in it.. X smpi 5min dh menangis nk kuar.. Ade idea tak camne nk make him sit in this thing?? Jauh ni nk blk KB raya nanti.. Huhuhu.. xkan nk pangku.. Gi Pantai Medical Centre bleh la..

P/s - Saya bukan mengada2 smpi xnk tggl anak nk gi keje.. Cuma x smpi hati.. Saya pernah hampir kehilangannya, kerana itu, sebolehnya, saya ingin meluangkan masa saya untuk bersamanya..

Satu.. Dua.. Tiga..

Satu..
Kasih nan abadi
Tiada tandingi Dia yang satu..
Dua..
Sayang berpanjangan membawa ke syurga
Kasihnya ibu..
Tiga..
Lapar dan dahaga rela berpayah
Setianya ayah..

Sudah hampir seminggu Rayyan meragam at night. Siang, dia tido tak ingat.. Malam, mula la berjaga.. I don't really want to wake hubby up coz he needs to go to work the next day, and I can sleep during day time. But I can't. Coz lately we had quite a number of visitors (which sangat2 saya hargai).. So, saya tersangat-sangatlah penat!

Dari dulu lagi saya memang jenis yang terlebih tido.. If I didnt get enough sleep, I'll be cranky all day long. Everyday, blk keje, by 930 or 10.00pm, confirm tido dh.. That time, I really can't imagine how am I going to have a baby. Nk kena berjaga malam. Most of all, having children is equivalent to endless commitment. We always have to be there for them. And even after they grew up, get married and have their own kid.. (I took my mom for example.. Lepas berperang ngan kitorg adik beradik, skrg sibuk dgn Rayyan plak.. Siyan dia..)

After not getting enough sleep for about 4 days, I finally reach out for hubby.. And he spent from 2am to close to 6, talking and playing with Rayyan. I'm so amazed! Takde sedikit pun rasa marah or tak puas hati bila Rayyan merengek and menangis.. (Dlm ngantuk sempat gak intai).. Memang dia sungguh2 layan kerenah Rayyan.. Dan esoknya, he called from his offc, just a normal chat.. but he did tell me how sleepy he is.. Kesian gak la..

Kenapa saya kata saya kagum? Coz I'm not that penyabar ok.. Dalam x sedar, selalu 'ter'marah Rayyan n I'll regret it the next morning.. If he can talk, most probably he'll say that it is not fair for him to be scolded for things that some other babies did as well. Lg pun, Rayyan dh bersusah-payah 'berjuang' untuk berada di samping mama dan ayahnya.. In return, mama lah pulak yang harus 'berjuang' untuk membesarkan Rayyan Ariff..

Dan Alhamdulillah, semalam Rayyan Ariff tido nyenyak.. Hanya bangun untuk menyusu..

I guess daddy is truely Rayyan's hero n mummy makes him smile because mummy equals to tukar diapers n feeding time!

P/s - Ada teman pernah berkata, manusia adalah khalifah di bumi Allah ini. Sebagai khalifah, tanggungjawabnya juga besar dan kita masing2 memikulnya dengan cara yang tersendiri.. Andai takdirNya Rayyan pergi, anggaplah dia tidak bersedia memikul tanggungjawab itu. Tapi, Rayyan memilih untuk memikul tanggungjawab itu.. Alhamdulillah... Syukur di atas nikmat Allah SWT..

The colour of our life..

Rayyan in Pink (B4 this, I've promised my self not to put my son in pink, - coz i've made the ayah wore pink on our wedding! Tp dh termungkir janji plak.. Pink is too sweet n irresistible!

Rayyan in blue - my favourite color! he has lots of baju biru, nama pun baby boy..

Rayyan in yellow - baju ni nmpk sweet, beli je la..

Rayyan in white - ni color basic.. nmpk suci jer..

And the winner goes to.... (drum roll)

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Rayyan in pink!!!!

he.. he.. he..

P/s - Sy mmg sedia maklum yg baby cepat besar.. Tp agak blur2 bila kak p-nut bgtau kena beli baju besar, Coz to me, Rayyan is a small baby since he's premature. So, I still beli baju kecik sbb b4 ths baju newborn pn besar for him, kena lipat.. Tp sekrg, baju newborn muat2 jer utk dia.. Haiyoo.. Confirm baby cpt besar! Thanks for the tips kak p-nut..